How (and how not to) approach a conflict conversation

There are many considerations in how best to communicate in conflict conversations, but how you approach them is a pivotal place to start.

I have had a few conversations this week with people who are in conflict, or anticipating being in conflict, with others.

It's creating huge anxiety in them.

They're pre-occupied with spiralling thoughts.

It's disturbing their sleep.

Impacting their health and wellbeing.

Sapping their energy.

Making them sad and stressed.

When we're in that state, our body anticipates the threat and our perspective narrows, so that we are more likely to:

🔴 Talk rather than listen

🔴 Judge rather than accept

🔴 Disconnect rather than connect

🔴 Be defensive rather than open

🔴 Assume rather than be curious

🔴 Focus on the negative rather than the positive

🔴 Be distracted or walk away, rather than be fully present

🔴 Be determined to be right, rather than resolved.

Sounds familiar?

How's that gone for you in the past?

I'm guessing it hasn't felt great, nor supported you to get the best results.

It also isn't an effective way to lead, influence or interact with others.

I use my ABC4 Confidence™ model to help my clients move through this by working on their:

1 - Awareness

You can be at choice about how you show up and respond to conflict, but it requires mindfulness before or at the point of engagement.

Taking time to notice your emotional and energetic state will give you the chance to intercept your autopilot responses.

2 - Beliefs

Your beliefs directly impact your thoughts, attitudes and actions.

Often our beliefs are inherited from our culture or authority figures in our childhood, based on pack mentality or current popular opinion, or made up from a single lived experience.

We then assume they are right going forward, without questioning them.

Our beliefs can get stuck in biases, assumptions and blind spots that become our absolute truth, even when they aren't other people's truth, nor the truth (if there is such a thing, even).

This can be compounded by well-meaning people around us supporting our existing point of view - whether they really believe it or not - because of:

Conflict avoidance (if they don't agree with you)
Unwillingness to excerpt energy in discussion (where there is a lack of vested interest) and
Confirmation bias (if they do agree with you).

Professional coaching conversations are very effective in exploring beliefs, but if you don't have access to a coach, another option is to journal on the beliefs and assumptions you have about:

a) conflict in general; and

b) this particular conflict?

3 - Clarity

After you are clear on what your assumptions and beliefs are, you have a gift of an opportunity to get clear on where you could be wrong, and open up new avenues for conflict resolution.

Not definitely wrong. Just possibly.

What are you making up as an absolute truth, when there might be other perspectives and truths, too?

Where could you get curious, that you haven't so far?

When you are in conversation, stay open to discovering what else you might not be aware of, yet.

In practical terms, this looks like shifting your focus to the opposite approaches:

✅ To listen, rather than talk

✅ To accept, rather than judge

✅ To connect rather than disconnect

✅ To be open, rather than defensive

✅ To be curious, rather than assume

✅ To focus on the positive, rather than the negative

✅ To be determined to be resolved, rather than be right

✅ To be fully present, rather than be distracted or walk away.

When you have the courage to allow space to explore where you could be missing something, unexpected breakthroughs can happen.

4 - Choice

If you are creating a new positive habit, it rarely happens by accident.

How do you choose to set up a conversation around this, so that you have a chance of real resolve and a positive sum gain?

What will it take to give up the drive to be right or 'win' in the moment, which might actually mean a negative sum gain over the longer term?

How will you be in that conversation?

The temptation is to prove our case, to win, to bulldoze.

But two people coming to a conflict conversation with that attitude are not going to emerge with a win:win solution.

Ultimately, you have to choose what you really want your impact to be in the short and longer term.

Are willing to be open to the idea that your premeditated outcome and opinion might not be the only (nor best) way forward?

Listening, genuine curiosity and sincere acknowledgement of the other person's perspective are incredibly powerful ways to disarm their threat and aggression, and have them be ready to hear your perspective, too.

But this does need to come from an authentic place, rather than faking it to be successful, and that can take huge self-management, courage and a focus on a long-term win.

In addition to being an incredibly effective management device, being at intentional choice about how you show up and the impact you want to have is also a powerful way to build your self-confidence and self-love, too.

5 - Celebration

Don't be tempted to skip this! So much learning and growth happens in our reflection and celebration.

Celebration is also a huge factor in building our self-confidence, because confidence needs evidence!

After your conversation, what are you celebrating?

What are you proud of?

What can you celebrate having a go at, that could have gone better?

What can you also embrace, as a golden opportunity for learning and growth?

6 - Consistency

When we are working to create new beliefs, behaviours and habits, small regular practice is more important than a one-off win.

Take a moment to consider:

What new practice or habit can you take forward from this and practice in situations of conflict, even if it's just a difference of opinion, to make it your new normal?
Where could you have done better?
What could you experiment with doing differently, next time?

Taking this intentional, holistic, open approach can set the scene to transform your conflict conversations.

Next step: learning what, how and why to communicate in certain ways that lower threat reflexes and enable psychological safety and collaboration...

No matter your starting point, provided you are willing to be flexible and open to other points of view and perspective, this is a learnable skill!